User blog:Hushuzu/The Voice
⋅ V O I C E ⋅ ⋅ P R O L O G U E ⋅ The world is just falling a part. She's tried to fix it and tried to run and hide but everything just crumbles into a billion pieces and then it's her job to put the pieces together again. She's tired of being blames and feeling alone...She has no where else to go... - She sits at home on her bed waiting for her messages to be read. Her mind is filled with raging words but her body lays still in bed. The room and still and quite and her phone is forever silent. She hopes the falling world will soon enough come to its end. - People say being an only child is a gift, when it's not. You have no social skills you are cut away from society that you have to find you own way through things and its hard to figure out whats good and bad. Are they really my friends? Or am I just there for them? - Am I freak? Do they love me? Why do they need me? I thought they were mad at me! Where do I go now!? Am I doing okay!? Am I doing this right!? Is this feeling real!? Are you real!? Am I real!? PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE! - DOES THIS MAKE YOU HAPPY!? ⋅ C H A P T E R O N E ⋅ I laid their in bed, my television had stopped working an hour ago. It was silent for awhile and all that I had for light was the pink-red and blus lava lamp that laid on a nightstand not to far from my bed. I watched the bubbles rise and fall only to repeat itself. I liked the fact that some were small and others were big. Kind of like when you blow a bubble with a bubble wand. I rolled onto my stomach a few moments later and slid my hand under my pillow searching for my phone. Once my hand touched the narrow item I pulled it out from under it's hiding place and took out the charger, rolling back onto my back. I pressed my thumb against the senser on the home button and unlocked my phone going over to my messages. Maybe today will be different ''I always told myself this. I always thought a day could always be different, but it was the same cycle...Over and over again... - '''Joseph: Are you telling them things again? ' Me: What do you mean? ' '''Joseph: Their asking me questions! You fucking snitch! ' 'Me: I needed help! ' 'Joseph: Fine, you want to make me look like the monster then I'll tell them what you've done to mean. ' 'Me: That was in 8th grade! I didn't know any better! ' 'Joseph: What you did in 8th grade made me who I am today! ' 'Me: And who ever you are now! Made me how I am now! ' 'Joseph: Because you did this to me! ' - I watched the three dots appear on his side of the screen indicating he was typing again. My thumbs hovered over the screen directly over the keyboard, ready to respond. The dots vanished, I bit my lip as I felt my eyes begin to sting as they filled with tears. - '''Me: I didn't mean to...I was just afraid... Joseph: When are you not afraid! Damn it April you're always afraid! Your afraid of EVERYTHING! ' - I didn't respond. I saw the banner appear at the top of my screen labeled Ban, he had texted me wondering how I was doing. I wasn't allowed to talk to Ban, Joseph wouldn't let me, he hated the fact that I talked to him. If Joseph ever found out I was texting Ban...He'd...I don't know...He'd do something to me though... I opened up Bans message but gliding my thumb down on the banner watching the keyboard reappear for my to type my response to him. '''Me: Yes, I'm fine. ' '''Ban: You sure? Me: Yeah. ' '''Ban: Is he hurting you again? You know I don't like it when he does that shit. ' 'Me: It's fine. I can handle it. ' 'Ban: Alright. Just. I'm here if you need me. ' I read the message only to exit out of my messages. I went over to Safari and quickly got onto RFW, I looked over at the small bell seeing two notifcations. I smiled softly to myself before replying to the few role plays I put myself in. I waited for a response for awhile before seeing that Sam was on. I rushed over to his wall and quickly announced to him that I needed him...Yeah...I know...I had Ban, but Sam was better...Sam was just so much to me I had to let him know... 'Sam: Everything alright? Whats wrong? ' 'Me: The guy. He wont leave alone! I don't know what to do! ' 'Sam: Just relax focus on me...Okay...? ' 'Me: Okay. ' 'Sam: I love you...I hate seeing you like this...I just wish we lived next door to each other...Or you had someone there like JC, Ricky or Alex...Then I wouldn't have to worry. ' 'Me: I love you too...I wish you lived next door too... ' 'Sam: It's okay... ' Before I could respond my mom walked into the room checking if I was hungry or needed anything, I gave my usual, "I'm not hungry." reply and waited for her to leave. When ever she asked that, I knew her and my dad were fighting again. She liked to cook someone or act like she was doing something to get out of the argument she knew she couldn't win. I opened by phone back up and saw Joseph had been ranting once more. Maybe...This one thing would work...I began typing. 'Me: Oscar. ' 'Joseph: You don't even deserve to say that name. Any of their names. Cause I've tried to care and I have. I tried supporting. ' '''Me: Oscar, Troy, Mateo are alive and you know that! You made a promise to them! To me! Skylar and Oliver, are dead! What!? I have no right now to say my cousins names!? They FUCKING LOVED YOU JOSEPH! THEY TRUSTED YOU! Joseph: Don't say their fucking names you fucking piece of shit! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE THEM! ' '''Me: and you do? ' 'Joseph: They probably loved me more than they ever did you! ' '''Me: Your probably right. Because apparently I'm a slut, whore, hoe, and even a bitch in your eyes oh wait, don't forget unstable! Tell me I'm wrong because apparently I ALWAYS AM! Joseph: Say one stupid ass shit one more time bitch. I dare you. ''' '''Me: ... hour later ' '''Joseph: If you ever talk to me again you'll regret it. Don't send me streak. You can blame yourself for all this. ' I looked at the message without any care...He'd just make me submit anyways...I always do...Why? Because I'm scared...I quickly answered. 'Me: I always do. ' 'Joseph: Nothing you do now, will fix it. If you try it's like trying to fix cut pieces of paper. ' 'Me: With tape. ' 'Joseph: With nothing. ' 'Me: Tape. ' Of course I felt proud of myself with that come-back as he was speechless for awhile before his outbursted with a rage. 'Joseph: You better shut the fuck up. This is not a joke. ' '''Me: Who ever said I was treating it like a joke. It's true, you can fix paper with tape. Joseph: I know what your really doing. ' '''Me: Yeah. Sure. ' 'Joseph: Your hurting yourself. Because you know this is all your fault. The reason your alone at school, your fault. Why you have no friends, your fault. Why I'm like this. It's all because of you! What don't you understand by that? ' 'Me: ...Yeah. I have been hurting myself. I'll scream and cry into the emptiness of my room...Then I'd go into the bathroom and lock myself in there, why? Because a teacher locked me in the bathroom when I cried when I was younger...For hours...So it's now a habit...I'll punch the wall or at least attempt to, just to feel pain anywhere but my chest or head. I'll sit on the ground in a tight ball sobbing because I have nothing. I'll slam my foot against the wall...I'd think of things I shouldn't...In the end. It is my fault. Just like it is...Like always. ' 'Joseph: Better stop hurting yourself I WILL fucking call both of your parents and make sure you go somewhere and I hope you get put into one of those fucking white rooms. ' 'Me: You use to ask me. How do I stay sane and you'd list the stressful things in my life. ' 'Me: Friends ' 'Me: Family ' 'Me: School ' 'Me: You ' 'Joseph: I'm calling your parents and I'll make sure you wont go anywhere until you learn to control yourself and fucking stop being such a fucking insane person! YOUR NOT NORMAL! ' 'Me: Thanks. ' 'Joseph: Fuck you. ' After a few days of being alone, in the morning...At lunch...And on my way home, I sat in my room thinking to myself. I stared at my fiddling hands and bit my lip feeling so alone...Feeling...So lost...My dog walked into my room and touched his nose against my leg, I smiled faintly before the tears began to stream down my cheeks. The next thing I knew I was leaning against the wall in front of the toliet gagging and wheezing, I was shaking I threw up a few more times before sobbing out in pain. I brought my knees to my chest and sat in the bathroom before my dog arrived by my side. He pressed his tounge against my hand and sniffed me till I looked up. '"What...?" '''I breathed out hesitantly Once I saw his tail wag when I petted him I couldn't help but smile because, something simple as that...Could always make me smile...I got up and walked out of the bathroom grabbing my phone to see my phone filled with messages from Joseph. '''I hate you! ' 'I wish you were never born! ' 'You don't deserve a family! ' 'What is wrong with you!? ' 'You're such a freak! A monster! ' I stood there for a moment reading more and more of his hate. I slowly set my phone back down and walked out of my room and stared out the sliding glass door that led to the backyard, I stared at the pool...Thinking...I looked away and entered the kitchen opening a drawer. I stared at the spoons...Forks....and Knives for a moment before I quickly close the drawer screaming at the top of my longs wondering what was wrong with me...Why it seemed like everything WAS my fault! I was the problem! Why was I so stupid!? So blind!? Why was it that everything I have touched or liked, I've ended up destorying it!? Why does everyone HATE ME!? I hurried onto RFW and messaged Sam... '''Me: Sam...I love you... Sam: I love you too...Whats wrong?! ''' '''Me: I'm just scared... Sam: It's okay.. Me: I just...I just want to be with you in person.. Sam: Me too... Me: I love you so fucking much ''' '''Sam: I love you too After a moment of gathering myself I see the wave of messages from Joseph again. I let out a long sigh trying to hold back any emotions, I opened up my messages and looked at the long line of just pure hate. I read through each one carefully and walked into the backyard. I sat down by the pool staring at my reflection, wondering, what is wrong with me... Soon enough I walked back inside and fell asleep, I woke up with a strange feeling. I grabbed my school clothes and changed into them before I brushed my hair and teeth. I grabbed my bag and headed out the door towards the bug stop. I sighed before watching our bus driver zoom past our stop then slam on the breaks, I waited for the speeding car to zoom by before I crossed the street and got onto my bus. Once reaching the school we waited inside the bus for around ten minutes. I walked to my usual spot in the morning and stood there leaning against a pole before seeing the ones I use to call my friends show up and stand a nice distance away from me. Then Joseph came with his small group, of course I was friends with those two guys...I huffed slowly taking out my phone seeing the messaged from Joseph. Joseph: Why are you on your phone? Why are you standing there along? I'm not going to you to fix this. YOU have to come to me. ' '''Me: Leave. Me. Alone. You act like we're still in a relationship, stop trying to change who I am and stop trying to FUCKING boss me around. I'm not your little toy! So, leave me alone jackass! ' With that sent I saw his expression change and he looked at me with pure rage. Once the bell rang I tried to get away only for him to grab my arm and pull me back. '"Joseph, let me go." '''I was starting to panic as I watched his grip get tighter before I yank my arm away and he grabbed my hand quickly stabbing me with his nails until I yelped in pain. No one ever noticed...No one ever asked...No one ever helped... My friends left me... ⋅ C H A P T E R T W O ⋅ 4.17.17 - Two Days Before Birthday - '''Joseph: Stop sucking their dicks! Thats all you ever do! Every morning! Every afternoon! Even at school! ' 'Me: I don't do that! Their just my friends! I don't like them like that! I don't like doing that crap! ' 'Joseph: Yeah right! Why should I believe you!? ' 'Me: Just leave me alone Joseph! ' As the night went on of constant battling I decided to just let him rant...I didn't know what else to do...My mind was filled with dark messages and thoughts of what is to come on my birthday. Would I even allow myself to make it to that day...? Does anyone even care? Heh...I guess not. 4.18.17 - One Day Before Birthday - I woke up to see 83 messages from the same person, Joseph, I gor ready for school and read through all of those messages on my way to the bus stop, on the bus and in the schools court yard. I thought nothing of it. I didn't really know what to do. The whole day I made a plan for myself that I had enough. I went to my teacher at lunch for help. '"Whats the problem?" '''Mr. R asked me concerned. He looked at me, signaling that it was okay...That he was listening... '"This guy...He's been...He's been threatening his own life in order to get me to do things to say things to show things...I don't know what to do. I've just had enough." 'I explained with hesitation and biting back the urge to cry. Next thing I heard from him was, '"Follow me." ' He led me to our counselors office in hopes to find my counselor. He was not there, we found my schools princpal in the court yard and quickly advanced towards her. Thats were I explained the six months of per pain...suffering...thoughts...texts...everything... Joseph was pulled out of 5th period. After the talk with his counselor I was pulled into the room once Joseph had left. I was told everything was going to be okay. Nothing bad were to happen. I left that office with better hopes... 4.19.17 - Happy Birthday... - Once again I woke up and went to school I got so many gifts from people who I thought hated me...I was so happy and everyone was happy for me...I thought I had a new start...Nothing was going to harm me today. I was invited to my friends birthday party that saturday and everything was looking great! Until school was over. '''Joseph: Block me. Hate me. I will say things to you to MAKE you hate you fucking slut! ' I did as told...I blocked him...At least, thats what he thought. I watched him rant to himself all over again about how I was nothing but a toy to everyone. How I shouldn't be selfless and how I'm nothing to anyone. How I make everyone leave me and all such hurtfull things. My parents helped him cheer up brining back cupcakes and food for my birthday along with letting my open all my gifts... Lets skip to 21 shall we? '' 4.21.17 - The Note - That morning was different, I woke up amazing and when to school in an amazing mood! I knew something was odd because I never really had such a positive vibe in my life when going to school. Once the bell rung at 7:33 to go to 2nd period I was stopped by Joseph...He had handed me a note... I headed into class staring at the note that told me not to open in until the last bell had rung and school was out for the weekend. I didn't listen. I opened the note and read it. It was a suicide note. At that moment...The thought of me only a few weeks ago planning to take my own life because I couldn't handle it anymore, and how my dad was at the house so I couldn't do it...So I gave life another try and here I am sitting in an open classroom in the corner reading a note explaining how this was his last goodbye to me. I went into panic. I ran up to my teacher and asked to go to my counselor where I hurried over to him only to find out he wasn't there. I went back to my teacher, Mr. R. He calmed me down and took the note reading it before he called my counselors wife to find her husband. Soon enough, my counselor walked into the full class and took me out with the note. We went into his office where he called Joseph down . For 10 minutes we sat in pure silence...Waiting for Jose to answer a simple question of why. Joseph tried to write it all down but Mr. H, our counselor wouldn't allow it. An whole hour went on where Joseph explained how he was stressed, how I was the one he went to, to get help with his stress before I cut him off...I stopped talking to him. Mr. H summed it up to him using me to let out all his stress on. Later on he pulled out the note and said a few things, '"Listen. What are you planning? Why did you write this? Look what you're doing to her." ' Joseph didn't look. '"Look at her." 'Mr. H had intructed once more. Joseph looked, then spoke, '"I planned on running away." ''' Mr. H intructed Joseph to take off his jacket to see if their were any cuts. There was none. Him and Joseph talked about how it was unhealthy of him to treat me this way...To write those notes...To do all this because of stress...Thats what Mr. H was there for... I left that office knowing it was my choice to talk to him...And if he gave me more problems...and returned to Mr. H....Once more...The cops would be in the office too...Because it has gone on long enough. I was texted a sorry. But, the peace didn't last long... Constantly getting called names and what he thinks I do...Constantly gets harrassed and pushed around...I go to school to see the friends I use to know talk to him...After I told them how he's treated me...I watch these things happen around me...I was so many things shift and change and I see who really is my friend...Just wow...No one was... I sit on the steps looking at my phone and sometimes I end up crying there wondering why do they hate me, or why to they think I can fix every problem in this world...I can't do it alone...But, yet I do...I get so many thoughts running through my mind and through my soul to the point where I got up and just let my emotions poor out...I hit my head against the desk now and days more than I should because I hate myself! I hate how I let these things happen to me! I hate how I truely trusted these people who I called my friends when they really weren't! What am I supposed to think...So what if I have a lot of guy friends, eh...? So what... I don't know.... I... I only have a few friends...But everyone seems to know me...I don't know how, but they do...I walk around and I can get a hi from someone random but...It's not the same... ⋅ C H A P T E R T H R E E ⋅ I like to see the world as a game...Theres just a lot more players...They try to trick you so you lose and they win...But, I have my own tricks...Last week meaning May 13, 2017 was one of those days where my life at school shifted in my home life... I can remember when he walked into my room...With a belt in his hand...I first I thought it was a joke until I saw him pull his hand back. He smacked me directly on my arm three times. I can remember standing there shaking gripping my arm because of the pain before I could even blink he smacked me four times on my thighs. I yelled at him to stop but he just kept going... My mom came in with a burst and yelled at me some more...How I was nothing...How I have no friends because apparently my personality is so close to a bitch that no one wants to deal with me. She would often tease me on how Im a bitch to every, the reasoning I have NO FRIEND! The reason to everything! Next day they find out about my ONE F that Im working to fix and they confront me HARSHLY! They bring me to the front yard in tears Im pacing, playing with my hands and trembling, my face flushed with just disappointment in myself. This was my punishment. To be dragged out into the street to be yelled at. I saw the neighbors watching...They just watched...They watched a girl be yelled at in the middle of the street in tears... I was told by my mom I needed mental help, that I was not normal...That I WAS NOT SANE THAT I WAS SOMEONE WHO NEEDED TO BE LOCKED UP IN A ROOM ALONE! I laughed at the thought and she just looks at me like Im insane...Yeah...Maybe I am...I get called weird everyday because Im not afraid....I dont care how I look and yet I go to school being called lesbain because of the way I dress or look. I get made fun of because Im white despite how I dont do anything to the ones who are darker than me. I get notes from my teachers everyday to tell me Im cared for! BUT MY DAD RIPS THEM APART BECAUSE THEY THINK ITS FOOLISH! What am I supposed to do!? I stand up I'll be thrown back down harder each time. One day I wont be able to get back up. One day I wont be able to move! ONE DAY! I'll....Just give up... ⋅ C H A P T E R F O U R ⋅ '''Ban: I don't want to talk to you anymore... Me: What? Why...? ''' '''Ban: I'm scared of you... I know people hate me...I know people are afraid of me. But, he was my last friend...He was all I had, yeah we went to different schools but he still helped me out, we met up and hung out. Now...He's afraid of me...? I mean I don't know what to think of it, what to say...Whats wrong with me? Why can't I seem to keep friends in person and only online, do I had behind a screen to I act like something I'm not...Oh thats right...I seem like a lesbain to the world... I'm not acting the way they want me to be... What do they even look like? How do they even act? Aren't they just normal girls just they like girls...? But, maybe my own thoughts about them could be wrong... I mean...Sorry I look like an innocent girl, who likes to do what guys do, and I hang out with girls. I don't wear make up. I don't dress up. I just...Be me... Maybe the world doesn't like the real me...Maybe thats why they just throw me to the ground...People have seen me snap at teachers and students...They think it's the best thing in the world...But, I just end up crying in the end...Because they want me to be something I hate. Something I'm not... I'm not going to be the Bitch...Who always gives attitude...Who always gets into fights... I'm sorry I'm not what you want me to be. Take you medication You need help ' '''You're getting a therapist ' 'Take this medicine ' 'Go to sleep ' 'Don't talk to them ' 'Walk away ' 'It will be okay ' '''I hate you You're selfish ' '''LESBIAN ' 'STUPID ' 'A BITCH ' 'JACK ASS ' 'NEXT PORN STAR ' 'A SLUT ' 'A HOE ' 'TELL ME WORLD WHAT DO YOU ' 'WANT ' '''ME TO BE!? Because I don't know... Category:Blog posts